my insides are wrecked... and i dont know if i was being proud by ignoring it... or what exactly was going on... but i have taken the day off to sort through it. i need to find some wisdom today regarding my work choices this fall, too. as to whether they necessarily are affecting my mental/spiritual health. as to whether "i can do it" was deciding to be brave, or being proud... the answers, as usual, are probably in-between, or at least not quite completely one extreme. i don't know what courage is in me... i don't know what courage is required. i guess none of us do, exactly. partially regarding that and mainly otherwise, i need to decide today what i want. the answer to this determines many things. we always want something, whether we are aware of it or not. right now, judging from my actions and attitudes, i deduce that fear in me must be wanting something that is killing my psyche. _now... do i want something else other than my current state of affairs, thoughts, desires, and emotions badly enough to quit being passive in the face of fear? that adage is true... all it takes for evil to win is for good to do nothing. now am i going to do something? i have been dangerously arrogant. aloof. filled with conceit of different sorts. i'm not sure how to get out of it. it itself is blocking me, is my excuse. i suppose answers lie in letting go of some things, and grabbing hold of other things.

Beloved

Matthew 3:17; Mark 1:11; Luke 3:22
And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, the Beloved, with whom I am well pleased.”
And a voice came from heaven, “You are my Son, the Beloved; with you I am well pleased.”
...and the Holy Spirit descended upon him in bodily form like a dove. And a voice came from heaven, “You are my Son, the Beloved; with you I am well pleased.”

Matthew 17:5; Mark 9:7
While he was still speaking, suddenly a bright cloud overshadowed them, and from the cloud a voice said, “This is my Son, the Beloved; with him I am well pleased; listen to him!”
Then a cloud overshadowed them, and from the cloud there came a voice, “This is my Son, the Beloved; listen to him!”

Colossians 1:13-14
He has rescued us from the power of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Colossians 3:12-17
As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. ...forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you... Above all, clothe yourselves with love... And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts... And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly... and with gratitude in your hearts sing... do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

2 Thessalonians 2:13-14
...thanks to God for you, brothers and sisters beloved by the Lord, because God chose you as the first fruits for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and through belief in the truth. For this purpose he called you... so that you may obtain the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 John 3:2
Beloved, we are God’s children now; what we will be has not yet been revealed. What we do know is this: when he is revealed, we will be like him, for we will see him as he is.

Hero

Hebrews 4:15-16
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who in every respect has been tested as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

The first thing that needs to be said is that "testing" is what Satan does to us. Afflictions brought on by the accuser are "tests." God in no way affirms or encourages "tests."

The second thing that needs to be said is that "sin," for us, is slipping from the path of recovery. "Sin" is a deviation from the road of truth and health and wholeness.


bold (adj.)- clear and distinct to the eye


We approach our Lord and Savior for help with clarity. He has walked our path. He has overcome our obstacles. He knows exactly how to help us. So let us tell him exactly what we need. Let us search our hearts, dig through our emotions, and filter our thoughts--with His help also in this if needed--and let us discern exactly what we need. And then He will give us an exact answer... exact aid.


mercy (n.)- alleviation of distress; relief; something for which to be thankful; a blessing


Our Lord helps us. We approach Him, and we will receive help. And then we will give thanks.


grace (n.)- a sense of fitness or propriety; a disposition to be generous or helpful; divine love and protection bestowed freely on people


We will receive the exact help that we need. We will receive the help that fits the situation exactly. He is predisposed to help us. He wants to help us. He wants to shelter us safely under His wing. We are His people. He loves us. We are His children. He cares for us. Actively.

Hebrews 4:15-16
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who in every respect has been tested as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

some of the best

(a tribute to a great work)

And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend, legend became myth.

They're leaving... never to return.
I don't know why; it makes me sad.

Where are you taking us?
Into the wild.

We have no choice but to trust him.

...Yet to have come so far still bearing [it]... has shown extraordinary resilience.

It is in men that we must place our hope.
Men? Men are weak. The race of men is failing. ... I was there the day the strength of men failed. It should have ended that day. But evil was allowed to endure. ... There is no strength left in the world of men. They are scattered, divided, leaderless.
There is one who could unite them. One who could reclaim the throne...

Why do you fear the past? You are [his] heir, not [him] himself. You are not bound to his fate. Your time will come. You will face the same evil, and you will defeat it.

And to that I hold.

It is mine to give to whom I will. Like my heart.

There is evil there that does not sleep.

I will take it. ...though I do not know the way.

... I wish none of this had happened.
So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what do to with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world [ ] besides the will of evil.

Yet hope remains...

She said to me, "Even now there is hope left." But I cannot see it.

This task was appointed to you. And if you do not find a way, no one will.
Then I know what I must do. It's just, I'm afraid to do it.
Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.

You have your own choice to make.. To rise above the height of all your fathers.. or to fall into darkness with all that is left of your kin.

I give you the light of.. our most beloved star. May it be a light for you in dark places, when all other lights go out.

You are afraid. All your life, you have hidden in the shadows, scared of who you are, what you are.

There is no other way.

You are not yourself.

You shall not pass!

Nothing... just a dream.

I don't think [he] meant for us to come this way.
He didn't mean for a lot of things to happen [ ]. But they did.

There is something strange at work here. Some evil gives speed to these creatures. Sets its will against us.

Look for your friends. But do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands.

It cannot be!

A thing is about to happen that has not happened since the olden days.

But you are alone.

Too long have you sat in the shadows.

Dark have been my dreams of late.

Look to my coming at first light on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the east.

You are a daughter of kings... I do not think that will be your fate.

You have no idea what it did to him. What it's still doing to him. I want to help him... because I have to believe he can come back.

Leave now and never come back!

What's taters, precious? What's taters eh?

War will make corpses of us all.

My path is hidden from me.
It is already laid before your feet. You cannot falter now.

She stays because she still has hope.

It was a dream... nothing more.
I don't believe you.
This belongs to you.
It was a gift. Keep it.

There will be no dawn for men.

There is still hope.

... and there will be no comfort for you, no comfort to ease the pain of his passing.
...There is nothing for you here. Only death.

In his heart, [he] begins to understand the quest will claim his life.

It is close now, so close, to achieving its goal.
...Do we leave [ ] Earth to its fate? Do we let them stand alone?

Rock and pool is nice and cool, so juicy sweeeeet! Our only wish to catch a fish, so juicy sweeeet!

Then I shall die as one of them!

Who am I [ ]?
You are our king, sire.
And do you trust your king?
Your men, my lord, will follow you to whatever end.
To whatever end...

How did it come to this

Don't be hasty.
We're running out of time!

The men are saying that we will not live out the night. They say that it is hopeless.
This is a good sword [ ]. ..There is always hope.

We have trusted you this far, you have not led us astray. Forgive me. I was wrong to despair.
There is nothing to forgive, [ ].

An alliance once existed... long ago, we fought and died together. We come to honor that allegiance.
You are most welcome.

War? Yes, it affects us all.

(This is not out war.)
But you're part of this world!

It has only the power to destroy.

They're here. They've come.

So much death. What can men do against such reckless hate?
Ride out with me. Ride out and meet them.
For death and glory.
..For your people.
The sun is rising.
"Look to my coming at first light on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the east."
Yes. Yes.
Yes!

I can't do this...
I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories... the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it'll shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think.. I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding onto something.
What are we holding onto..?
That there's some good in this world.. and it's worth fighting for.

I think at last we understand one another...

We could let... her do it.

It's my birthday. And I wants it!

We even forgot our own name.

...there should be enough.
For what?
The journey home.

This exile crept from the shadows will never be king.

Free? He will never be free.

The filth of [ ] is washing away.

What does your heart tell you?

And take it for ME!

Night changes many thoughts.

I see you.

Understand this: Things are now in motion that cannot be undone.

Why did you look? Why do you always have to look?

I looked into your future and I saw death.
There is also life! You saw there was a child. You saw my son.
That future is almost gone.
But it is not lost.
Nothing is certain.
Some things are certain. If I leave him now, I will regret it forever.

The crownless again shall be king.

All is turned to vain ambition. He would even use his grief as a cloak!

A storm is coming.

We're not in decent places.

It's just a feeling. I don't think I'll be coming back.
Yes you will. Of course you will. That's just morbid thinkin'. We're going there and back again.

Look-- the king has got a crown again.

Is there any hope...?
There never was much hope. Just a fool's hope. :)

We come to it at last. The great battle of our time.

The board is set. The pieces are moving.

Up, up, up the stairs we go! And then, it's into the tunnel!

Hope is kindled.

Courage is the best defense you have now.

I think you have strength. Of a different kind. And one day your father will see it.

Sneaking?!...Sneak?! Very nice...
Fine.. What were you doing?
Sneaking.

Your father loves you... he will remember it before the end.

Put aside the ranger. Become who you were born to be.

I give hope to men.
I keep none for myself.

It is but a shadow of a thought that you love. I cannot give you what you seek... I have wished you joy since first I saw you.

No, we cannot. But we will meet them in battle nonetheless.

You shall live to see these days renewed.

The way is shut.

What say you?

We fight.

Fear... the city is ripe with it.

Boarded? By you and what army?
This army.

Go in. Or go back.
I can't go back.

... may it be a light for you in dark places, when all other lights go out.

I have to destroy it... I have to destroy it for both our sakes.

This task was appointed to you. ...if you do not find a way, no one will.

My lady. You are fair, and brave, and have much to live for. And many who love you.

I just want to help my friends.

Courage... courage for our friends.
...Forth, and fear no darkness! ...and the sun rises!

End? No the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass. And then you see it... white shores. And beyond. A far green country under a swift sunrise.

I will kill you if you touch him.

You fool. No man can kill me.
I am no man.

I know your face.

I'm going to save you.
You already did.

Come on. Let's just make it down the hill for starters.

The darkness is deepening... our enemy is regrouping... I've sent him to his death.
No. There is still hope... he needs time, and safe passage... we can give him that.
...We cannot achieve victory...
Not for ourselves... but... keep him blind to all else that moves.
A diversion.
Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for?
[He] will suspect a trap. He will not take the bait.
Oh I think he will.

I do not believe this darkness will endure.

I can't... manage [it]... it's such a weight to carry... such a weight.

There is light, and beauty up there that no shadow can touch.

Who would have thought one so small could endure so much pain. And he did... he did. Ha.
...I do not believe it. I will not!

Hold your ground! Hold your ground! ... I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails. When we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day. An hour... when the age of men comes crashing down. But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand...!

I can't recall the taste of food, nor the sound of water, nor the touch of grass. I'm naked in the dark. There's nothing, no veil between me, and the wheel of fire. I can see him with my waking eyes!
Then let us be rid of it, once and for all! Come on.. I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you! Come on!

Clever hobbits to climb so high!

You swore! You swore on the Precious! Smeagol promised!
Smeagol lied!

Don't you let go. Don't let go. Reach!

It's gone! It's done!

Now come the days of the King! May they be blessed.

Let us together rebuild this world...

My friends! You bow to no one.

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep--that have taken hold.

...you cannot always be torn in two. You will have to be one and whole for many years. You have so much to enjoy and to be and to do. Your part in the story will go on.

forgiveness

1. To release from punishment and exempt from penalty for a fault or an offense.
2. To serve as justification (the thing that frees) for a fault or an offense.
3. To free, as from an obligation or duty, from a fault or an offense.
4. To give permission to leave or to release from a fault or an offense.
5. To renounce anger or resentment against.
6. To relieve of requirement or obligation to payment of (a debt, for example).

1. God does for us.
2. Jesus did for us.
3. God does for us.
4. God does for us.
5. God does for us. We do for others. For ourselves.
6. God did for us.

1, 2, 3, 4, 6. The state of the universe. Forgiven. Done.
5. The potential state at times of our minds, hearts, and emotions. When so, to yet be done.

You have forgiven and taken away the iniquity of Your people, You have covered all their sin. Selah [pause, and calmly realize what that means]! Psalm 85:2

punishment, take 2

Punishment:

• the act or an instance of punishing
• a penalty imposed for wrongdoing
• rough handling; mistreatment
• any pain, suffering, or loss inflicted on a person because of a crime or offense

Punish:

• to handle roughly; hurt
• to inflict a penalty for (an offense)
• to subject to a penalty for an offense, sin, or fault

Note the difference between "inflict" and "subject." Note who it is that does the punishing, and who it is that does not.


"...He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us..."
"...love makes up for all offenses..."
"... A third time he said to them, Why? What wrong has He done? I have found [no offense or crime or guilt] in Him nothing deserving of death..." " Pilate said to them, Take Him yourselves and judge and sentence and punish Him according to your [own] law. The Jews answered, It is not lawful for us to put anyone to death. ... When the chief priests and attendants (guards) saw Him, they cried out, Crucify Him! Crucify Him! Pilate said to them, Take Him yourselves and crucify Him, for I find no fault (crime) in Him. The Jews answered him, We have a law, and according to that law He should die..."

"...no one can ever be made right with God by doing what the law commands. The law simply shows us how sinful we are..." "...he freed us from the penalty for our sins..." "...the law always brings punishment on those who try to obey it. (The only way to avoid breaking the law is to have no law to break!)..." "...in Him we have ... the remission (forgiveness) of our offenses (shortcomings and trespasses)..."


Forgiveness means they are no more, save in the past. And the past is not what is last.


"But he was wounded for our transgressions, crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the punishment that made us whole, and by his bruises we are healed." "the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trial" "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love. "


What a succession. Isaiah. Peter. John. Without Jesus we would be under punishment for our sins. From the curse. With Jesus, we have freedom from the curse, from our sins. All we have to do is accept His love and love will break us free. Love is waiting, itching, dying to set us free. And it will, for love conquers all. We have been given the gift (cf. Corinthians) of the job of reconciling the world back to His love. Back to Him. Through His love. Love leads to love. Faith leads to faith. Trust leads to trust. The Lord knows how to rescue us from punishment. And rescue us from it He does, for the punishment has been given, and all that remains is grace. The enemy would punish us and thread us the lie that we deserve it, but the truth is no-- punishment has been given, and it was not given to us, but to the only one who even Satan could not say deserved it-- the precious Lamb of God. He rescues us through love.

"He redeemed us from the curse of the law..."
[shane&shane]

punishment

so... I realized a little while ago today that I genuinely, down in my core of cores, do hate myself and want to be punished.

I do not know why.

This fact, though, has ruined my life and my relationships. It is the reason why I "test" people, why I drive them away-- to make them "prove" how much they love me.

It's like I told my friend Laura yesterday. You cannot "prove" anything when it comes down to it. Everything is dependent on trust. We trust that the sky is the color called blue. We trust our eyes that they are seeing what "blue" really is. We trust that water is wet. You cannot prove the simplest fact, and you certainly cannot prove something as complex as love.

And I realize right this instant the connection between hating myself/wanting to punish myself, and my "testing" people. It's this: I know that you cannot truly prove anything, least of all big things like love. And so when I "test" people to make them "prove" their love for me under cover of my being afraid to trust them due to the possibility of me being hurt, I all along know that love cannot be proven. Therefore, I all along know that they will fail to prove their love. And therefore I all along treat them as though I expect them to fail-- because I know that they will. Because love cannot be proven. It can only be trusted. Not the greatest person in the world, not God himself, could prove love. And ultimately, every relationship ends for the same reason-- I am told, "you expect too much of me," or "I can't meet your demands of perfection," or "I don't have the time and energy to try to live up to what you want." Because yes, for love to be proven to me would require perfection. But the thing is, that I know subconsciously all along, that even were someone to be absolutely perfect, there would still be room for doubt in my mind of their love. Therefore even if someone is perfect, they fail. There is no way, in my method or mind, for anyone to succeed in loving me. And I am convinced of this before I ever set out in a relationship. And therefore, my "testing" of people is in reality my method to ensure that I am punished by systematically and purposefully taunting myself with and then depriving myself of the one thing I want most in the entire world-- true love.

The word "grace" has entered my mind... and so has the term "the gospel"... but does it matter? Grace is supposed to be the solution to the plague of punishment, and the gospel is supposed to free, but down in my core I do not know what grace and the gospel are, nor do I want to accept them in my life. "Forgiveness" has entered my mind as well, but if the term means what I dread that it means, it is another thing that I do not want to accept into my life.

My life has been punishing myself for as long as I can remember, in every aspect. Not only in love and relationships, but physically as well I have punished myself, and by denying myself everything I've ever wanted, I have punished myself.

That is all I have for now and there may be more later. I wholeheartedly welcome any genuine, wise insight. And I mean it better be wise-- cause I am pretty darn wise myself sometimes, and you're gonna have to be able to top my wisdom on this one in order to help me out. No pat religious or one-size-fits-all insights allowed. At the same time, don't let that scare you off-- because I do want insight. Meeting those requirements.

** addition (3 hours later):

So... it's a cycle. I want to punish myself because I have failed to meet my own standards. BUT, I intentionally set standards that I cannot meet-- because I want to have an excuse to punish myself. Which came first? The desire to punish myself, or the false standards? And unfortunately, the way you treat yourself is the way you inevitably treat others. And therefore I have impossible standards for other people, and punish them when they fail to meet them. Although there is a part of me that HATES that I do that... I can't seem to act otherwise. Because to act otherwise, I suppose, would cause my whole system of living to come crashing down around me. And throughout all of this, I still want so desperately to be able to love and be loved in return.

Which comes first: the hate of ourselves, or the false standards? I punish myself because I hate myself... but I hate myself because I am such that I punish myself. What starts it all?

I know that grace proclaims God has no such standards for us as we have for ourselves. What he expects is what is true, because of who he is, he can expect no false thing. Therefore he never expects us to be different than we in actuality are.

So if I learned to see myself for who I actually am, could I end the punishing of myself forever?

But the problem has been that I am afraid of the "me" that I dread that I actually am. That is, I dread potentially discovering that I am a different person than I long to be. I would rather hide and be no one than be fully me and for "fully me" to not be the me that I want to be.

So can I just decide who I want to be, and make myself into that person? I guess to an extent that's plausible... but say I was set on being 6'2. There is no way I will ever grow a foot. Some things are impossible to change. (Fortunately, I'm content with my height for the most part). So... in principle, there has to be some requirement of simply accepting myself as I am and learning to love myself as I am. And this, I hear, is why people rebel with all their might against the concept of grace. "If I love myself and others as we are," they cry, "we will just stay in our current states and never achieve our full potential!" Or more sinister-ly, "If people are loved as they are, in their current mistake-making, flawed-thinking states, then they will just keep on making mistakes and thinking in flawed ways, because love is everyone's goal, and once they have it as they are, why should they change? And improvement, of course, is what we want."

What grace proclaims, as many smart thinkers have worded in various ways, is that in order to change for the better, it is mandantory that a person first accept themself fully as they are! In other words, the truth is that love produces change for the better in some magical way from the deepest roots of a soul. Fear produces behavioral change that rises and falls with the flow of the punishment. Until you reach the breaking point when you can no longer motivate yourself, even with punishment... I have been there.

This grace-life requires trust! Trust in some mysterious force in the universe that is better than we could hope for, despite all our raging doubts and a world that seems so full of disappointment.

I have known for a long, long time that "trust" was what was being developed in my life... (supposedly?) but have I learned a damn thing? I don't feel like I understand trust at all. In fact, I feel I understand it less than I ever have. Let alone do I know how to "do" it. Other than to just... do it. I have heard it said that trust just "happens"... that it grows in us as a seed grows in the ground. Due to no effort of our own.

But why... how... I have begged for it so much, why leave me in torment without it? I do believe that there can be no lasting happiness or pure love apart from trust. It seems to me you must trust in order to trust. Which is as ridiculous of a cycle as the hate-standards-punishment cycle. How do things work? I don't understand.