my insides are wrecked... and i dont know if i was being proud by ignoring it... or what exactly was going on... but i have taken the day off to sort through it. i need to find some wisdom today regarding my work choices this fall, too. as to whether they necessarily are affecting my mental/spiritual health. as to whether "i can do it" was deciding to be brave, or being proud... the answers, as usual, are probably in-between, or at least not quite completely one extreme. i don't know what courage is in me... i don't know what courage is required. i guess none of us do, exactly. partially regarding that and mainly otherwise, i need to decide today what i want. the answer to this determines many things. we always want something, whether we are aware of it or not. right now, judging from my actions and attitudes, i deduce that fear in me must be wanting something that is killing my psyche. _now... do i want something else other than my current state of affairs, thoughts, desires, and emotions badly enough to quit being passive in the face of fear? that adage is true... all it takes for evil to win is for good to do nothing. now am i going to do something? i have been dangerously arrogant. aloof. filled with conceit of different sorts. i'm not sure how to get out of it. it itself is blocking me, is my excuse. i suppose answers lie in letting go of some things, and grabbing hold of other things.