so... I realized a little while ago today that I genuinely, down in my core of cores, do hate myself and want to be punished.
I do not know why.
This fact, though, has ruined my life and my relationships. It is the reason why I "test" people, why I drive them away-- to make them "prove" how much they love me.
It's like I told my friend Laura yesterday. You cannot "prove" anything when it comes down to it. Everything is dependent on trust. We trust that the sky is the color called blue. We trust our eyes that they are seeing what "blue" really is. We trust that water is wet. You cannot prove the simplest fact, and you certainly cannot prove something as complex as love.
And I realize right this instant the connection between hating myself/wanting to punish myself, and my "testing" people. It's this: I know that you cannot truly prove anything, least of all big things like love. And so when I "test" people to make them "prove" their love for me under cover of my being afraid to trust them due to the possibility of me being hurt, I all along know that love cannot be proven. Therefore, I all along know that they will fail to prove their love. And therefore I all along treat them as though I expect them to fail-- because I know that they will. Because love cannot be proven. It can only be trusted. Not the greatest person in the world, not God himself, could prove love. And ultimately, every relationship ends for the same reason-- I am told, "you expect too much of me," or "I can't meet your demands of perfection," or "I don't have the time and energy to try to live up to what you want." Because yes, for love to be proven to me would require perfection. But the thing is, that I know subconsciously all along, that even were someone to be absolutely perfect, there would still be room for doubt in my mind of their love. Therefore even if someone is perfect, they fail. There is no way, in my method or mind, for anyone to succeed in loving me. And I am convinced of this before I ever set out in a relationship. And therefore, my "testing" of people is in reality my method to ensure that I am punished by systematically and purposefully taunting myself with and then depriving myself of the one thing I want most in the entire world-- true love.
The word "grace" has entered my mind... and so has the term "the gospel"... but does it matter? Grace is supposed to be the solution to the plague of punishment, and the gospel is supposed to free, but down in my core I do not know what grace and the gospel are, nor do I want to accept them in my life. "Forgiveness" has entered my mind as well, but if the term means what I dread that it means, it is another thing that I do not want to accept into my life.
My life has been punishing myself for as long as I can remember, in every aspect. Not only in love and relationships, but physically as well I have punished myself, and by denying myself everything I've ever wanted, I have punished myself.
That is all I have for now and there may be more later. I wholeheartedly welcome any genuine, wise insight. And I mean it better be wise-- cause I am pretty darn wise myself sometimes, and you're gonna have to be able to top my wisdom on this one in order to help me out. No pat religious or one-size-fits-all insights allowed. At the same time, don't let that scare you off-- because I do want insight. Meeting those requirements.
** addition (3 hours later):
So... it's a cycle. I want to punish myself because I have failed to meet my own standards. BUT, I intentionally set standards that I cannot meet-- because I want to have an excuse to punish myself. Which came first? The desire to punish myself, or the false standards? And unfortunately, the way you treat yourself is the way you inevitably treat others. And therefore I have impossible standards for other people, and punish them when they fail to meet them. Although there is a part of me that HATES that I do that... I can't seem to act otherwise. Because to act otherwise, I suppose, would cause my whole system of living to come crashing down around me. And throughout all of this, I still want so desperately to be able to love and be loved in return.
Which comes first: the hate of ourselves, or the false standards? I punish myself because I hate myself... but I hate myself because I am such that I punish myself. What starts it all?
I know that grace proclaims God has no such standards for us as we have for ourselves. What he expects is what is true, because of who he is, he can expect no false thing. Therefore he never expects us to be different than we in actuality are.
So if I learned to see myself for who I actually am, could I end the punishing of myself forever?
But the problem has been that I am afraid of the "me" that I dread that I actually am. That is, I dread potentially discovering that I am a different person than I long to be. I would rather hide and be no one than be fully me and for "fully me" to not be the me that I want to be.
So can I just decide who I want to be, and make myself into that person? I guess to an extent that's plausible... but say I was set on being 6'2. There is no way I will ever grow a foot. Some things are impossible to change. (Fortunately, I'm content with my height for the most part). So... in principle, there has to be some requirement of simply accepting myself as I am and learning to love myself as I am. And this, I hear, is why people rebel with all their might against the concept of grace. "If I love myself and others as we are," they cry, "we will just stay in our current states and never achieve our full potential!" Or more sinister-ly, "If people are loved as they are, in their current mistake-making, flawed-thinking states, then they will just keep on making mistakes and thinking in flawed ways, because love is everyone's goal, and once they have it as they are, why should they change? And improvement, of course, is what we want."
What grace proclaims, as many smart thinkers have worded in various ways, is that in order to change for the better, it is mandantory that a person first accept themself fully as they are! In other words, the truth is that love produces change for the better in some magical way from the deepest roots of a soul. Fear produces behavioral change that rises and falls with the flow of the punishment. Until you reach the breaking point when you can no longer motivate yourself, even with punishment... I have been there.
This grace-life requires trust! Trust in some mysterious force in the universe that is better than we could hope for, despite all our raging doubts and a world that seems so full of disappointment.
I have known for a long, long time that "trust" was what was being developed in my life... (supposedly?) but have I learned a damn thing? I don't feel like I understand trust at all. In fact, I feel I understand it less than I ever have. Let alone do I know how to "do" it. Other than to just... do it. I have heard it said that trust just "happens"... that it grows in us as a seed grows in the ground. Due to no effort of our own.
But why... how... I have begged for it so much, why leave me in torment without it? I do believe that there can be no lasting happiness or pure love apart from trust. It seems to me you must trust in order to trust. Which is as ridiculous of a cycle as the hate-standards-punishment cycle. How do things work? I don't understand.
I do not know why.
This fact, though, has ruined my life and my relationships. It is the reason why I "test" people, why I drive them away-- to make them "prove" how much they love me.
It's like I told my friend Laura yesterday. You cannot "prove" anything when it comes down to it. Everything is dependent on trust. We trust that the sky is the color called blue. We trust our eyes that they are seeing what "blue" really is. We trust that water is wet. You cannot prove the simplest fact, and you certainly cannot prove something as complex as love.
And I realize right this instant the connection between hating myself/wanting to punish myself, and my "testing" people. It's this: I know that you cannot truly prove anything, least of all big things like love. And so when I "test" people to make them "prove" their love for me under cover of my being afraid to trust them due to the possibility of me being hurt, I all along know that love cannot be proven. Therefore, I all along know that they will fail to prove their love. And therefore I all along treat them as though I expect them to fail-- because I know that they will. Because love cannot be proven. It can only be trusted. Not the greatest person in the world, not God himself, could prove love. And ultimately, every relationship ends for the same reason-- I am told, "you expect too much of me," or "I can't meet your demands of perfection," or "I don't have the time and energy to try to live up to what you want." Because yes, for love to be proven to me would require perfection. But the thing is, that I know subconsciously all along, that even were someone to be absolutely perfect, there would still be room for doubt in my mind of their love. Therefore even if someone is perfect, they fail. There is no way, in my method or mind, for anyone to succeed in loving me. And I am convinced of this before I ever set out in a relationship. And therefore, my "testing" of people is in reality my method to ensure that I am punished by systematically and purposefully taunting myself with and then depriving myself of the one thing I want most in the entire world-- true love.
The word "grace" has entered my mind... and so has the term "the gospel"... but does it matter? Grace is supposed to be the solution to the plague of punishment, and the gospel is supposed to free, but down in my core I do not know what grace and the gospel are, nor do I want to accept them in my life. "Forgiveness" has entered my mind as well, but if the term means what I dread that it means, it is another thing that I do not want to accept into my life.
My life has been punishing myself for as long as I can remember, in every aspect. Not only in love and relationships, but physically as well I have punished myself, and by denying myself everything I've ever wanted, I have punished myself.
That is all I have for now and there may be more later. I wholeheartedly welcome any genuine, wise insight. And I mean it better be wise-- cause I am pretty darn wise myself sometimes, and you're gonna have to be able to top my wisdom on this one in order to help me out. No pat religious or one-size-fits-all insights allowed. At the same time, don't let that scare you off-- because I do want insight. Meeting those requirements.
** addition (3 hours later):
So... it's a cycle. I want to punish myself because I have failed to meet my own standards. BUT, I intentionally set standards that I cannot meet-- because I want to have an excuse to punish myself. Which came first? The desire to punish myself, or the false standards? And unfortunately, the way you treat yourself is the way you inevitably treat others. And therefore I have impossible standards for other people, and punish them when they fail to meet them. Although there is a part of me that HATES that I do that... I can't seem to act otherwise. Because to act otherwise, I suppose, would cause my whole system of living to come crashing down around me. And throughout all of this, I still want so desperately to be able to love and be loved in return.
Which comes first: the hate of ourselves, or the false standards? I punish myself because I hate myself... but I hate myself because I am such that I punish myself. What starts it all?
I know that grace proclaims God has no such standards for us as we have for ourselves. What he expects is what is true, because of who he is, he can expect no false thing. Therefore he never expects us to be different than we in actuality are.
So if I learned to see myself for who I actually am, could I end the punishing of myself forever?
But the problem has been that I am afraid of the "me" that I dread that I actually am. That is, I dread potentially discovering that I am a different person than I long to be. I would rather hide and be no one than be fully me and for "fully me" to not be the me that I want to be.
So can I just decide who I want to be, and make myself into that person? I guess to an extent that's plausible... but say I was set on being 6'2. There is no way I will ever grow a foot. Some things are impossible to change. (Fortunately, I'm content with my height for the most part). So... in principle, there has to be some requirement of simply accepting myself as I am and learning to love myself as I am. And this, I hear, is why people rebel with all their might against the concept of grace. "If I love myself and others as we are," they cry, "we will just stay in our current states and never achieve our full potential!" Or more sinister-ly, "If people are loved as they are, in their current mistake-making, flawed-thinking states, then they will just keep on making mistakes and thinking in flawed ways, because love is everyone's goal, and once they have it as they are, why should they change? And improvement, of course, is what we want."
What grace proclaims, as many smart thinkers have worded in various ways, is that in order to change for the better, it is mandantory that a person first accept themself fully as they are! In other words, the truth is that love produces change for the better in some magical way from the deepest roots of a soul. Fear produces behavioral change that rises and falls with the flow of the punishment. Until you reach the breaking point when you can no longer motivate yourself, even with punishment... I have been there.
This grace-life requires trust! Trust in some mysterious force in the universe that is better than we could hope for, despite all our raging doubts and a world that seems so full of disappointment.
I have known for a long, long time that "trust" was what was being developed in my life... (supposedly?) but have I learned a damn thing? I don't feel like I understand trust at all. In fact, I feel I understand it less than I ever have. Let alone do I know how to "do" it. Other than to just... do it. I have heard it said that trust just "happens"... that it grows in us as a seed grows in the ground. Due to no effort of our own.
But why... how... I have begged for it so much, why leave me in torment without it? I do believe that there can be no lasting happiness or pure love apart from trust. It seems to me you must trust in order to trust. Which is as ridiculous of a cycle as the hate-standards-punishment cycle. How do things work? I don't understand.
12 comments:
Dear, these cries for attention must stop.
Who said that? If you're going to insult me, tell me who you are. It's not a cry for attention. It's a cry for help. Note: that was not the type of comment I welcome.
And anyway, who are you to tell me what I "must" do? If you are so wise (like I insisted you must be to comment) that you feel you have the authority to tell me I "must" do something, and if you care about me, then why do you not do as I ask and truly help me? Please do not comment on my blogs again. You are obviously 100% in the dark on where I am coming from.
Hey Marissa,
I can identify with much of what you are saying as I have been there myself (wanting to be punished, impossible standards for others, not understanding how to trust). There's no simple answer, you're right, in the sense that it IS just about letting go and taking God (and others, which follows) at His word. There's no other way than to just do it.
Last year I was in a relationship with a guy who was an excellent person. But I didn't trust certain friendships he had with other women, and I allowed the lies of the Enemy to get to me so that I withdrew from him. That's when I realized the impossibility of my standards and my lack of trust in God. I am in an entirely different place now, and obviously it's purely supernatural work that I can't fully explain, but at one point God just revealed clearly to me that I could not move forward without belief (b/c without faith it is impossible to please God). I had to actually SHUT OUT the lies and stop living like they were true. It's the truth that when we resist the Devil, he flees from us. When my suspicions came, I had to say NO. The more I began to take God at His word, the more my heart changed. In a love relationship with God, as with anyone, it takes 2 to tango. He gives, and we receive. He tells us truth, and we believe Him by applying it.
The more I trust Him, the more I find Him trustworthy and the more He reveals lies in my life so He can dispel them. It's not easy at first, and it requires much hearing of truth. It was hard for me to take, because I thought I had to let go of my concept of being a likable person. How could a good person be so full of awful mindsets? But it's the realization that our sins are not us. WHO and WHAT we are is someone beautiful and beloved (just read Song of Solomon). We were transferred into the kingdom of light and are DEAD to sin. That sinner is DEAD. Your life is now hidden in Christ, and that's just how it is. Our garments, however, are stained and in need of replacement. So we are then able to let God LOVINGLY take them off of us (His conviction is a kindness, not a criticism or condemnation of who we are) so we can confess them and be made new! And as for my relationships, I am much more able to love. Now I know that I am completely loved by God, so I can pour out love to others. I still have a long way to go, but coming this far alone began with believing what God says. I trace my unbelief to my past and to lies that were told me by others, but it wasn't God who told me those lies. Ever. The fact that He's shown me those lies and exposed them shows me He tells the truth, and it shows me He's for me. And He sent His Son to me with no guarantee that I'd ever love Him. Not only is that beautiful vulnerability, but it's also reason enough to believe and to love Him back.
Let Him give you wisdom to interpret all of these things on your heart. As I pray for you, I have a vision of you in a huge field. I can't see the crops clearly, but you are harvesting and bringing some of them in with you. You have a huge smile on your face, and you're in the company of friends. Some are giving advice to you, and others are receiving it from you. It makes me think of the passage that says those who sow in tears will reap in joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying their sheaves with them.
So take that step, no matter what resistance the Enemy puts up. Trust in God and lean not to your own understanding. Victory is just around the corner for you once you step into it.
Love you,
Stacey
Stacey...... thank you!!!
Hey Marissa, I just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you and thinking of you. I wish I had some wise comments for you right now, but I don't. But please know that if you need to talk, I'm here (physically for another month, online whenever after that) and that I empathize.
My own biggest struggle right now is the need to be perfect or at least feel like I'm perfect. When I screw up or make bad decisions or feel like perhaps maybe possibly I didn't live up to someone's expectations, I get so upset. And the past, phhh, talk about obsessing. But God doens't want us to worry or obsess. He's washed us clean and made us perfect in Him and in Him alone, and I'm clinging to that. And I've been loving this verse (especially the second half):
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5
Evie
Evie... thanks SO much!
Believer,
I don’t know who you are. I found this blog by chance and saw the pain in your post. I then saw the request for wisdom, and while you made it explicitly clear that you are only seeking the help of the wisest of your friends, after reading your post I would venture to say that you need less advice and more hope.
If you have found yourself constantly seeking the help of your friends in overcoming your crisis with no noticeable progress made, then you must understand that this is because your friends cannot instill in you a sense of self-worth. No one has the “wisdom” required to put together the magic words that could give you that. The fact is, the lasting self-worth you are so desperately seeking from others can’t be found inside of you either. From what you have written, I think I am right to believe that you are an intelligent woman. You have already figured out that these two approaches lead to nothing but insurmountable neediness in your relationships that no one is able to cater to, and a cycle of self-judgment that leaves you believing that with all of your best efforts you will never be as great as you could be.
You seek to be validated in your relationships, but who could validate someone seeking perfection but a person who is perfect themselves? And as you have already understood, none of your acquaintances meet that standard, and so lack the power to make you feel as you wish to feel. But this is my message of hope from one Christian to another, and I would ask you to hear me out; our design was never intended to be a perfect one. Your God and mine—He never once intended for us all to have flawless character, immaculate features and stellar cognitive and emotional capabilities. You ask your friends for wisdom, but therein lies the problem. Next time you’re in a crowded place, look around and know that all the experiential wisdom in the room combined is enough to give you what you so ardently need. God alone is perfect, an in HIS wisdom, you as His creation were beautifully designed with weaknesses you will never overcome in this lifetime. When I first came to realize this, my initial reaction was one of utter defeat and an immodest anger toward God. But this is what I have faith in your intelligence to understand: God made us with weaknesses so that we would be compelled to rely on Him for our needs, including our sense of self-worth. You are right to think you will never reach your potential on earth, but you are wrong to think it was meant to be another way. To seek to be “perfect” is to seek a life in which there is no need for God. If you wish to be truly happy, and to experience a state of being in which you no longer feel the pressure to hurl yourself to the next stage of self improvement, then this is the crux of your salvation: Our God—the one who existed before time and matter—the one who set the stars in the sky and the earth on its axis—the one whose very word can move mountains—loves YOU—that fragile and imperfect woman you see in the mirror—so much that He would come down from his throne and die just to be with you. You can test that love all day long, lady. That’s as real as it gets.
There is so much pain in your words. You seem to despise yourself so completely, because you feel you are not worthy of love, nor powerful enough to become so. The truth is, your whole life you have been loved by someone of such utter perfection that you could not fathom it. And if, in your current state, perfection itself found you worth loving, who are you to despise yourself? Stop trying to whip yourself into shape such that you might be your own savior. Don’t cheapen Jesus’ act of sacrificing his life for yours by EVER telling another soul you’re “not good enough,” or, “deserve to be punished.” And don’t cheapen his death for the salvation of your future boyfriends by expecting them to be divinely flawless, either. Because a beautiful side effect of everyone having weaknesses on this planet is that we are made to support one another. It’s what makes us the Body of Christ rather than the Scattered Mob of Christ. THIS is where your self-acceptance must rest. On the understanding that no one will ever love you as well as God, nor you them, but that a relationship with a God who loves you perfectly will always help you love other people better through time. I pray that Jesus shows you that He is enough for you, and that the difficulties you experience now will eventually strengthen your faith so that you will later be the first to offer support to someone experiencing the same crisis.
Peace to you.
"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."
—Ephesians 2:8-9
Thank you.......
Friend, I mean this in all sincerity--don't thank me. Turn your gratitude to God, and thank Jesus for loving you so perfectly. What I've told you is nothing new--it is all found in scripture. It is entirely your responsibility to hear what God says and respond. But don't make the mistake of waiting to do so, because our days are numbered. Make THIS the day you stop craving your own approval or that of anyone else! You are a child of God, and as such you are empowered to do great things for His glory, while those living without God can only hope to live for themselves. Make yours a life of perpetual gratitude for the gift of a meaningful, valuable existence, and your focus will shift from what you lack to what you have been blessed with. You will find your personal relationships transformed from those based on need to those founded on your drive to give to others what God has given you.
I'm sure you have read Psalm 121, but I'd ask you to read it again with a fresh attention to its meaning. You have the truth written down for you! It's up to you to believe it.
Don't get mad at someone for calling you out. Sorry that kind of thing isn't what you want to hear, but it's still true. You only want people to feel sorry for you, and you get mad when they don't. You need to stop whining about everything and do something. Feeling sorry for yourself and getting other people to feel sorry for you doesn't fix anything. Action does.
Marissa-
I feel like I understand where you are coming from. I'm not wise, I can't add to what's already been said, because all of it (besides the jerk, no offense, who says it's for attention and pity) is extremely insightful. I do know however that you CAN do this. You are talented, strong, compassionate, determined, loving, and beautiful. I know from experience that these words don't do much to help when self-hatred is so painful and powerful. You've given me so much, and I just wish that you could see for yourself that all the insight that you give me applies to you as well.
In my opinion, the false standards are what came first. They are not YOUR standards at all. They come from your experiences and your past. They are a burden that was forced upon you by people and circumstances that you have been carrying. They were ingrained so early, that it seems so hard to trust that they actually AREN'T true standards. Therefore, you have continuously punished yourself. I think God has helped you to realize deep in your core that you do NOT need to be punished. You DON'T deserve it. But then fear takes a stand, and the vicious cycle continues as you apply your false standards once again.
I have no answers. That much should be obvious (that is, if I was going to go by my name~!). If I had answers, I wouldn't be in the emotional and mental state that I am in now. But remember that I believe in you. You've given so much, I hope that you will be able to receive. I love you.
-a rope, a MuraL, & Pie.
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